That's Racin Magazine

Tom Higgins: I hereby resolve ...

- Contributor
Thursday, Dec. 27, 2012

Aw shucks! I am doing it again … an annual New Year’s resolution is being broken once more.

Each year I resolve NOT to write a column suggesting NASCAR-related resolutions.

And each year at this time I can’t resist.

So here goes…

• We, the conspiracy theorists, hereby resolve to cease and desist with the rumor that Cup Series champion Brad Keselowski somehow used a cellphone during the 2012 season to adjust the chassis settings on his car from the cockpit while running at full speed.

“That’s preposterous!” says long-time driver Buddy Baker, now the host of a motorsports radio show on the Sirius Network. “It might be possible technically, but not physically, especially on the superspeedways. “It’s about all a driver can do to keep a car on the ground at Atlanta, Charlotte, Daytona and Talladega, much less manipulate the keys on a phone while going 200 miles an hour.”

Baker should know. Among his 19 victories are two each at Atlanta and Daytona, and four at both Charlotte and Talladega.

• We, the honchos at the networks televising Cup Series races, hereby resolve to get Buddy Baker back in a booth.

Few analysts have proven more entertaining nor have they been able to share their knowledge as well in terms that even the most casual of viewers can understand.

Sure, Buddy has a slight lisp. But many people find that part of his charm, not a distraction. Far less annoying, say, than the beatings often given the English language by others.

• We, Jeff Gordon and Clint Bowyer, hereby resolve to settle our differences in the ring or “out behind the garage,” not on the track in a battle of bumper cars.

• We, NASCAR officials, hereby resolve to be consistent in our rulings.

The same violations get the same monetary fines and/or suspensions.

And “going under the yellow line” is going under the yellow line. The degree to which this rule is broken shouldn’t matter. If a toe is on the sideline in basketball and football, a tire on the line amounts to relatively the same thing in racing. You can’t be a “little bit” out-of-bounds.

An exception, of course, can be made for being forced onto the yellow line.

• We, the hierarchy at Chrysler, hereby resolve to get Dodge back in the Cup Series. We acknowledge that we looked like dummies in pulling out even as the Keselowski/Roger Penske-owned team took the championship in Dodges.

We further resolve to try and convince Richard Petty to field Dodges again. We realize that for many years Petty Enterprises was synonymous with Chrysler machinery.

This would be the most natural of “fits.”

King Richard scored 139 of his 200 victories in Plymouths and 37 in Dodges.

• We, the voters on the NASCAR Hall Of Fame election committee, hereby resolve to induct the late superstars, Curtis Turner and Fireball Roberts. No driver meant more to the sport in the 1950s than Turner, and none in the ‘60s than Roberts.

• We, NASCAR officials, hereby resolve to give Rockingham Speedway, formerly known as N.C. Motor Speedway, a Nationwide Series race as soon as it is practical. We recognize that promoter Andy Hillenburg earned it by successfully staging a Truck Series event in 2012 in returning the track to NASCAR sanctioning.

Finally, I, Tom Higgins, hereby resolve that in 2013 I WILL NOT write a…

Oh, forget it.

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